Weddings

[Chris Markert]

So I’ve really been wrestling with weddings within the context of our culture and our Lutheran Christian heritage.

Here’s some “ground rules” from which I operate as a pastor:

Marriage is a civil legal contract. Although instituted by God, it is of the earthly (left-hand) kingdom, not the spiritual (right-hand) kingdom. As an ordained minister I am “licensed” to act as a public agent of the State when I preside at weddings. This makes me a little uneasy, because I’m a huge proponent of the separation of Church and State, which is part of my culture and context as an American.

Society places extreme pressure on couples wanting to get married to “invest” in fairytale weddings… pressure to spend thousands on a bridal dress that will only be worn once, thousands on flowers that will die days later, thousands on a location for the wedding, reception, music, catering, band, rehearsal dinner, decorations, etc.

In the majority of weddings I have presided at, I have observed that God rarely has surfaced as the primary focus/actor within the wedding liturgy, even with repeated reminders during planning, rehearsals, and counseling. It almost ALWAYS comes down to it being “the bride’s day.” Jesus gets lost in the wedding shuffle, no matter how many times I talk about him or pray to him during the wedding.

I am struggling to create something different. Something that values what God values, something that is better stewardship of the resources that God has given us. Something that honors Jesus and only Jesus in the wedding ceremony. Or is this impossible in our society?

I was speaking with some of our ministry leaders about this. I was suggesting a wedding policy that encourages couples to have a civil marriage that is blessed during worship on Sunday, not unlike our other milestone blessings (first communion, confirmation, baptism, etc.- all which occur during the primary worship). Of course, as one leader said, “You’ll never do another wedding again.” Which may be true. But, if it is creating a space for conversation to happen about what is pleasing to God when it comes to weddings and marriage, is it worth it?

Thoughts? Ideas? Am I blowing this way out of proportion?

[Lars Hammar]

In Germany the church wedding doesn't "count" in the eyes of the state. You have to get a courthouse wedding first.

[Robin Lutjohann]

Yes. I am from Germany and this is what I'm used to. I don't get what the problem is with such an arrangement. I think if we introduced this in the US, it would solve a lot of problems, like the gay marriage issue. (In essence, under the German system, EVERYONE is in civil unions--gay or straight--and whether this union is solemnized as a "marriage" is left up to the rules of one's religious leadership.) Also, it actually separates Church and State much more cleanly than the American system does. And isn't that one of the basic American ideals? I'm just sayin'...

[Eric Wangen-Hoch]

I did a wedding once, not in prison, on Sunday morning right after the sermon, which given it was Earth day had more to do with Rev. 5:11-14 and care for creation. Afterwards the church threw a potluck for the couple. It was by far the easiest and more meaningful wedding rites I have done.

And so what of it if you never did another wedding again? I have not done one in the last 4 years and feel no less a pastor for it.

[Justin Rimbo]

Hm. I'm going to think this out while I'm typing, so feel free to shoot any of my ideas down . . .

The "fairytale wedding" is a social, cultural context, yeah? The dress, the cake, the wedding march, all of those things are a result of cultural traditions that have gotten all tangled up over the years, especially in America. I would venture to say that any spiritual aspects of the wedding are completely separate from this . . . For example, while the color of the dress once had a faith-related meaning (chastity), I'm not sure that's true anymore. Or, if it is, it's fading. The dresses are white because they're always white.

So I'm not sure you can change the cultural aspects of what weddings "are" by changing the spiritual, liturgical, or even religious aspects of the ceremony. That would take a massive shift in the way the participants think. Maybe just the bride/groom, maybe EVERYONE involved, and it could be done, but . . . you'd have to convince them to care about what Christ has done so deeply that they don't want a wedding for them, but for Jesus. And isn't that what we're constantly doing, anyway?

Like a lot of people, I think the best wedding I ever went to was mine. And, at the risk of sounding like I'm bragging, Jesus came to my wedding (yeah, yeah, I know). We sang songs (old and new) that were significant to our relationship with God. We had communion. We didn't rush through the service. We made it VERY clear (in the sermon, welcome, etc.) that it wasn't about us at all. It was a worship service. Maybe that's it - maybe weddings are, too infrequently, worship services. Maybe you should tell people, "no, I won't perform a wedding for you. But I will help you create a worship service, and get you hitched in the meantime."

Or maybe I'm totally over-thinking this.

It's an interesting parallel to empty liturgy, I think. Are the motions we go through on Sunday the same as a unity candle?